Andales
Welcome to the weirdest bar on Earth (unless you’re an alcoholic expat septuagenarian. Then it might seem perfectly normal). If you’re not, don’t let that prevent you from having a wild time. It takes all kinds at Andale’s.
El mejor hora feliz en Vallarta, ci!
From noon to 6 pm, they offer delicious two for one priced margaritas in five different flavors. The astounding price of one is 25 pesos. Check the exchange rate, people! This is often less than $2 US. I swear to Elvis it’s true, I wouldn’t lie about the price of booze. My favorite flavor is platano, actually made with fresh bananas. Seems almost healthy, doesn’t it? After 6 pm the price goes up to 55 pesos, but inexplicably, the cocktail triples in size & contains three shots of tequila. Once, my bar tab was 225 pesos for an entire night of drinking. Do the math.
Honestly, the Andale’s experience is nearly indescribable, but I’ll give it my best shot. This bizarre dive is simply a concrete cave wallpapered in cardboard egg crates. Budget soundproofing? Perhaps, because it’s often extremely loud in here. However, it looks like it was built by alien bees. There’s all manner of junk hanging from the ceiling, including a tacky blow-up doll with a collar reading “Alice” around her neck. It goes with the bar’s theme song, which is repeated several times a night, & by which you can judge the drunkenness of the clientele. The more intoxicated they become, the louder they shout out the song’s tagline in unison. Good rationale for those egg crates.
Another anomaly of the universe that occurs at Andale’s & nowhere else is that you can pay a good looking, reasonably young woman 50 pesos & she will loudly, repeatedly blow a referee whistle while pouring multiple shots of a sweetened red tequila concoction rapidly down your throat. Once you swallow it, she continues to toot obnoxiously on the whistle while administering a purple nerple, followed by shoving your face into her cleavage & shaking it all about as if she were performing the Hokey Pokey. Another thing I promise you I am not making up. Surely, many unsuspecting friends & family wish I were. For the love of Elvis, tip this girl well. Especially if you ask her to do it to your dad.
It is necessary to describe the citizens of Anadale’s. It doesn’t just have staff & patrons. For the most part, the employees are young, attractive Latinos. They’re fun & infinitely patient. The regulars, conversely, are generally rowdy white elderly expat Canadians & Americans
. They arrive nightly to over-indulge in well crafted, low priced drinks & dance like geriatric frat boys in boat shoes & white linen, which goes a long way toward explaining why one can walk anywhere within three blocks of Andale’s & hear the hits of Neil Diamond & CCR blasting away. Songs everyone of every age knows & can shout along to, which is amusing even if everyone here does look like your grandparents.
What’s good about this crowd though, is that everyone is welcome. No one in this amazing dump cares if you’re 19 or 99, what your sexual orientation is, or gives a river rat’s ass about your fashion choices. There could be a drag queen riding a donkey into the bar. Spontaneous friendships may occur. Swingers might approach you. Strangers will dance with you. All these things have happened to me here. I will always return.
Andale’s will take care of you. The bar has clean, interesting bathrooms. You can eat dinner at Andale’s on the sidewalk café or in the restaurant on the 2nd & 3rd floors. You can stay in the bar & drink a multitude of tequilas until 4 am. Just be careful walking home, the streets of Viejo Vallarta are riddled with broken steps, potholes & surprises. On second thought, maybe you should just sleep at Andale’s in the hotel rooms & suites above the restaurant or up the block. It’s only two blocks from the yellow sand beach of Vallarta. See, they’ve got you covered. Enjoy yourselves & be sure to take care of their staff. FP
Olas Altas 425 Col. Emiliano Zapata Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico 48380
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