Puerto Vallarta has little in the way of what
most cities consider “hipster” bars, but Bar Bolero is among the few. That’s by no means meant to be disparaging,
it just happens to be a very cool yet kitschy place. A cozy little hang-out on the corner where
Tequila Town used to reside, next door to Roxy’s Sports Bar & live music
club, Bolero has an atmosphere much more akin to what you may expect to find in
San Francisco, L.A, or Seattle. This
makes perfect sense, as at last visit, it was owned and operated by the proprietor
of San Francisco’s classic dive, The Phone Booth (1398 S. Van Ness Ave. SF, CA
94110).
While not technically
a dive bar, the drink selection is astoundingly affordable. All summer long Happy Hour lasts from 2 PM to
4 AM and features an overwhelming variety of premium cocktails, for the preposterously
low price of 15 to 30 pesos. Click here for currency converter. Let me run down the drink menu for you so you
can be amazed.
I’m talking about bottled
beers for 15 pesos – right this minute, this is only a few cents more than one
US dollar, people. That might be less
than it costs at the grocery store! Got
cash burning a hole in your Bermuda short pocket? What can you get for 20 pesos, you ask? For less than two US dollars (I am not
kidding, this is a super value destination), you can dump some shots of Jamesondown your gullet, or you can have some fancy cocktails, like pina coladas,
mai tais, margaritas, Russians, or tangy, delicious lime daiquiris. For real!
Also available is
what has to be my personal favorite name for a beverage, the Big Vicky, a 40 Ouncer of beer of
indeterminate brand. Seriously, Big
Vicky! It could be the name of a lady
luchador!
Bar Bolero has a
wonderfully tacky collection of outsized black velvet paintings beautifying the
interior, including the characteristic Matador and Stalking Puma varieties. There is no juke box, but during our visit,
obscure 1980’s songs and videos played over the sound system. Also
available for your entertainment is a pool table, but it seems that in order to
use it, you have to beat the tight designer jeans-wearing Mexican rent boys
taking a break from watching futbol next door at Roxy’s to it.
Bolero is dark yet
open, with large windows inviting warm Pacific breezes. The lighting is dim and golden like
candlelight, lending heavenly auras to all and making everyone attractive. Lighting and fixtures appear to be custom
metal pieces, giving a very arty atmosphere to the lounge, which is lined with
serape-covered cushioned benches. It’s a
very comfortable and extremely difficult to leave, especially when the lime
daiquiris keep on coming.
One
excellent reason to leave, if only for a few moments, however; is that directly
across the street is a taco cart, which appears to be frequently on fire,
selling sublime tacos al pastor late into the night. FP
Welcome to the weirdest bar on Earth (unless you’re an alcoholic expat septuagenarian.Then it might seem perfectly normal).If you’re not, don’t let that prevent you from having a wild time.It takes all kinds at Andale’s.
El mejor hora feliz en Vallarta, ci!
From noon to 6 pm, they offer delicious two for one priced margaritas in five different flavors.The astounding price of one is 25 pesos.Check the exchange rate, people!This is often less than $2 US.I swear to Elvis it’s true, I wouldn’t lie about the price of booze.My favorite flavor is platano, actually made with fresh bananas.Seems almost healthy, doesn’t it?After 6 pm the price goes up to 55 pesos, but inexplicably, the cocktail triples in size & contains three shots of tequila.Once, my bar tab was 225 pesos for an entire night of drinking.Do the math.
Honestly, the Andale’s experience is nearly indescribable, but I’ll give it my best shot.This bizarre dive is simply a concrete cave wallpapered in cardboard egg crates.Budget soundproofing?Perhaps, because it’s often extremely loud in here.However, it looks like it was built by alien bees.There’s all manner of junk hanging from the ceiling, including a tacky blow-up doll with a collar reading “Alice” around her neck.It goes with the bar’s theme song, which is repeated several times a night, & by which you can judge the drunkenness of the clientele.The more intoxicated they become, the louder they shout out the song’s tagline in unison.Good rationale for those egg crates.
Another anomaly of the universe that occurs at Andale’s & nowhere else is that you can pay a good looking, reasonably young woman 50 pesos & she will loudly, repeatedly blow a referee whistle while pouring multiple shots of a sweetened red tequila concoction rapidly down your throat.Once you swallow it, she continues to toot obnoxiously on the whistle while administering a purple nerple, followed by shoving your face into her cleavage & shaking it all about as if she were performing the Hokey Pokey.Another thing I promise you I am not making up.Surely, many unsuspecting friends & family wish I were.For the love of Elvis, tip this girl well.Especially if you ask her to do it to your dad.
It is necessary to describe the citizens of Anadale’s.It doesn’t just have staff & patrons.For the most part, the employees are young, attractive Latinos.They’re fun & infinitely patient.The regulars, conversely, are generally rowdy white elderly expat Canadians & Americans.They arrive nightly to over-indulge in well crafted, low priced drinks & dance like geriatric frat boys in boat shoes & white linen, which goes a long way toward explaining why one can walk anywhere within three blocks of Andale’s & hear the hits of Neil Diamond & CCR blasting away.Songs everyone of every age knows & can shout along to, which is amusing even if everyone here does look like your grandparents.
What’s good about this crowd though, is that everyone is welcome.No one in this amazing dump cares if you’re 19 or 99, what your sexual orientation is, or gives a river rat’s ass about your fashion choices.There could be a drag queen riding a donkey into the bar.Spontaneous friendships may occur.Swingers might approach you.Strangers will dance with you. All these things have happened to me here. I will always return.
Andale’s will take care of you.The bar has clean, interesting bathrooms.You can eat dinner at Andale’s on the sidewalk café or in the restaurant on the 2nd & 3rd floors.You can stay in the bar & drink a multitude of tequilas until 4 am.Just be careful walking home, the streets of Viejo Vallarta are riddled with broken steps, potholes & surprises.On second thought, maybe you should just sleep at Andale’s in the hotel rooms & suites above the restaurant or up the block.It’s only two blocks from the yellow sand beach of Vallarta.See, they’ve got you covered.Enjoy yourselves & be sure to take care of their staff. FP
Olas Altas 425 Col. Emiliano Zapata Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico 48380
While not technically
a dive bar, the drink selection is astoundingly affordable. All summer long Happy Hour lasts from 2 PM to
4 AM and features an overwhelming variety of premium cocktails, for the preposterously
low price of 15 to 30 pesos. Click here for currency converter. Let me run down the drink menu for you so you
can be amazed.
